Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
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Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Strange
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
The cashier just checked me out.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?