I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
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new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Dolls on drugs
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.