I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
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Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE