What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
the only bumper sticker ill allow
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Dune (2021)