trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
You Might Also Like
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
britain’s three elite institutions
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.