Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
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My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Meow
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver