I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Good advice.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
? 💀
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.