me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
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Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.