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[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
S O O N
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
it was a valiant fight
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?