my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
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Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Who chose this font
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here