Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
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Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it