My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
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They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
No way!
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so