I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
You Might Also Like
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.