Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
You Might Also Like
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ