“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day