You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
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I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
New tinder profile pic
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.