Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
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BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?