“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.