I miss this era type of pranks😭
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Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS