dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
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*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
omg leave her alone
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Shower sex be like:
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.