We’ve all been there
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*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
one of
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain