Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
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So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
🤣could you imagine
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.