Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]