If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
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I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.