I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
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“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.