If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
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My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable