I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.