I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
You Might Also Like
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you