Succinctly put.
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Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
New Tinder profile.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
🍛
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.