*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
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Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.