I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
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I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
New favorite tiktok
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Yup!
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!