BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
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My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Unexpected Judgment
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?