Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
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[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
When I said I liked it rough.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”