I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
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“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
*skinny dips into black hole
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.