Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
But wait…
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.