Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
You Might Also Like
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.