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Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.