Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
You Might Also Like
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes