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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My inexpensive home security system…
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.