I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
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Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!