agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
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Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.