“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
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ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
When your man makes a valid point
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Realize this:
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex