I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
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I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”