Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
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Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.