If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
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BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’