Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
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You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.