Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
π€·ββοΈππ€·ββοΈπ
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Happy Thanksgiving
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Toddler: I wonβt eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because itβs yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
If you like piΓ±a coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Husband: Just think how much money weβre saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the babyβs gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I donβt have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I didnβt buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Itβs that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and thatβs still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so Iβm busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.