*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”