According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
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My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.