Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
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was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that